What, is it so hard to understand that sometimes I want to lock myself up in my room, and cry while listening to One Direction?

“Dear Diary,
This day did not start well. First Damon gave me a nightmare, in which Elena died. It’s not so much that I care for Elena, it’s just that I have to be with someone that looks exactly like Nina Dobrev. So, Elena should have the decency to postpone her death, until I can date one of her future doppelganger descendants.

There was also this special thing, the annual Founder’s park dance, and Elena literally forced me to go there. What, is it so hard to understand that sometimes I want to lock myself up in my room, and cry while listening to One Direction? I mean, I’ve had a very traumatizing life, you know.
What about those people whose head I ripped off? Isn’t that a little more traumatizing for their families?
Oh my God!!! So not the point! We’re talking about me, here!

Now, I have to say, Elena looked dashing. Of course, I don’t expect anything less from my living, breathing trophy.
I danced with Caroline. She’s a good dancer, I have to admit it. I always say I don’t dance, but that’s really because I don’t want to make anyone else feel less confident about themselves. I know, I’m such a good person!

Good news, Elena finally realizes what an awful being Damon is. Bad news, when I told her I would take care of it, she was suddenly all over me with her questions, and how she doesn’t know anything about me.
And I’m like, geez, take a hint. Me no talky about me past.

Best news, I tricked Damon into drinking vervain. Now, he’s locked up in our cellar, and I’m going to keep him there until he’s basically dead.
Mwuahaha, I’m such a badass!

Xoxo, Steffie”

Stefan Salvatore, tragic hero

‘Dear Diary,

Today at school I got the impression Bonnie doesn’t like me very much. Bonnie is Elena’s witch friend, and witches generally don’t like me that much. I know what you’re thinking, HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, right? Elena said that, once Bitch (that’s mashup for Bonnie and witch, I know, I’m a genius) got to know me better, she would love me. I’ll give it a day. If she doesn’t like me by then, there’s something seriously wrong with her, lol. But, Elena invited me and her friend over for dinner, to give me a fair chance to win her over. And winning people over is something I’m quite good at.

BTW, I totally impressed Elena by catching a ball. I should join the team. They can use a player as brilliant as me.

Elena told me she was more than just a sad girl, that there was a more fun girl in her, and that she will soon rise to the surface. I kinda hope I won’t have to meet her, because sad girls are my area of expertise. They are much easier to manipulate.

…

So, I joined the team. Needless to say they ADORED me! Except for Tyler. I don’t know what his deal is, but he tackled me. That was so mean of him! I should tell Tanner about it, but I won’t, because I understand why he did it. Tyler is just jealous, because deep down he will never be as good a player as I am, and that’s gotta hurt. I wouldn’t know, because I’m perfect in everything I do 🙂

BTW, Damon read in this book! What kind of a decent brother reads someone’s diary? He said he saw Elena and that she looked very perky…I really need to go buy that leash…

…

Elena’s dinner. Well, for starters, everything was store bought. Elena had put everything in a nice bowl, but, uh, you don’t fool Stefan Salvatore that easy. But she made up for it, when she tried to tell Bonnie how I was the hero of the field today. However, Bonnie cut her off! That is so NOT DONE! When someone wants to brag about me, you need to give them a microphone and let the speak to the crowd!
Then Elena spilled Bonnie’s related to witches. I said some rubbish about how salem witches were cool heroes, and all that nonsense, and BINGO! I got in.

Of course, just when everything started to go in the right direction, Damon and his blondie locks had to come and crash the party. I told Elena that Damon couldn’t stay, but she invited him in anyway. I HATE girls who don’t obey their boyfriends.

Too pissed to write more.

xoxo, Steffie’

NEXT DAY

‘Dear Diary,

Elena quit the team. I wonder, if I ask her nicely, would she give me her chearleading costume?

Tanner gave a speech about how awesome I am. I like this dude. He knows his facts.
Jeremy got into a fight with Tyler, and the stupid kid cut me with a broken bottle. Nearly exposed me to Elena!

…

Damon killed Tanner! That really sucks. I liked the way he bragged about me 😦 Damon is such a monster! What are you saying? If Damon is a monster, then what does that make me? I am a very troubled, misunderstood, tragic hero.

night,

xoxo, Steffie’

 

 

‘Elena Gilbert, property of Stefan Salvatore’

‘Dear Diary, 

I did something very selfless today. I lend Elena one of my books, Wuthering Heights. I actually didn’t want to, because you know, it’s MINE, but I couldn’t give her Gone with the Wind. It’s Damon’s and if he found out I gave his book away, he’d do something very evil, like…shaving my head. Elena said she would give it back, and I was like, ‘Yeah, you better bitch, or else I’ll do something, like, ….whine and complain, and make you feel very guilty, because you WRONGED me!’ 

I totally freaked out, when I heard Matt talk to Elena about Vicky. Vicky remembered being attacked by a vampire! So I had to go to the hospital and fix that. So I went there and I said: ‘Okay, listen up, bitch. Last night, a chincilla attacked you, got it?’ 

Elena went by, and she talked to Damon! That pissed me off badly! She didn’t even call first, she just barged in! So rude! And Damon said I wasn’t always so HOT. Yeah, well, the only time he looked better than me, was when we were babies and that doesn’t count. He’s just jealous, because he’s not as cool as I am. 
Maybe I should go to a pet store, and buy a leash. Then I’ll tie it around Elena’s neck, and each time she’s getting too close to Damon, I’ll push that button that curtails the leash. I might also get her a tag, saying ‘Elena Gilbert, property of Stefan Salvatore’ 

I ran into Matt this evening. He asked me what I was doing in the hospital and I was like ‘Territorial, much? What, do you own the place or something? You wanna fight? Come on, let’s fight. NO! I was kidding! Not the face!’ 
He also said he was looking out for Elena, and I said ‘Geez, keep your claws in’ I wanted to scratch him, but I just had my nails done, so that wasn’t an option. 

Fortunately, I got out without a scratch. 

Later, Elena came back to my house, and she said she was scared. Good. The more scared she is, the better I can control her. She said she was scared to be happy again, but she doesn’t have to worry, because I’m not trying to make her happy. What matters is how I feel, and having her as my little, obedient, insecure bitch, makes me feel very awesome 🙂 #irocksohard 

I also kissed her. Highfive to myself…AHH! Crap, that hurt! 

Gotta go put some ice on that…. 

xoxo, Steffie’ va

It’s hard to be Stefan Salvatore…

‘Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of school. And guess what? I ran into Elena. I saw her coming out of the men’s room, and I was like ‘Oh my God, you little slut. You can’t just be in there and bang someone. Not if that someone isn’t me’

Later I saw her in the cemetery, and the stupid bitch just had to trip and fall. She even showed me her leg, with all the blood. It was disgusting. *shiver*

But the good thing is, she dropped her diary! If I read it? Who do you take me for? Of course I read it! But it wasn’t quite a bestseller. I mean, as if I give a flying fuck about how Elena feels about her parents’ death. It’s like Tanner said in History, it’s 4 months ago. Get over it, you know. Besides, it’s not like they were her real parents.

xoxo, Steffie’

Couple of hours later:

‘Dear Diary,

*sob* Damon’s back in Mystic Falls, and he attacked me. First emotionally, he made fun of my grunge look from the nineties. That was a very hurtful thing to say of him. And then he fought with me, and my back hurts and my hands, and my clothes are dirty. *sob*

You know what? I’m going to that school party, where Elena will be, too =D And Damon is not invited. I will tell Uncle Zach what he did, and then he’ll be grounded >:)

xoxo, Steffie’

Hours later:

‘Dear Diary,

So the party was okay. First I had to ditch Caroline. She was, like, totally clinging on me. And I said, ‘Sorry, Caroline, but you and I ain’t gonna work. You can share my opinions, you can share my hatred for Damon, and my preference for Stelena, but you’re not gonna share my bed O_O

I know, I know, I was a little harsh. But…I have to be straight with these girls, otherwise they would all be jumping my bones, which is very understable, of course! I mean, I have PERFECT hair, a PERFECT face, and a PERFECTLY hidden second identity. I’m like the perfect boyfriend.

Okay, I really have to go now and do my beauty sleep 🙂

xoxo, Steffie’

What Damon figured out in less than 5 minutes… ;)

‘Dear Diary, 

OMG! Katherine’s ALIVE! I saw her, in a car! She was sitting in the backseat, and the car was in the water. There were people in the front, a man and his wife, and the man said I had to save Katherine first, and I’m like, ‘Dude, she’s a vampire, she ain’t gonna die, you know’ 

So, I saved her. I wanted to save the others, too, but then I’d have to stay in the water longer, and my perfect hair would be so messed up, and I’d have a wrinkled skin, and I just can’t have that, you know. 
At least I saved the girl. I’m such a HERO! 

Now, I’ve been following her around, waiting for the right moment to talk to her, but I know she’ll want me back. No normal girl can live without me. That’s universally impssible, lol! 

I will keep you posted =D 

xoxo, Steffie’ 

4 months later: 

‘Dear Diary, 

OMG! Remember when I said I saw Katherine! It wasn’t Katherine! She’s just a human girl, who could be her twin. 

So, that’s why everyone keeps calling her Elena… 

Well, tomorrow I’ll be going to school. So excited! I hope I’ll make a bunch of friends 🙂 What am I saying? Of course I’ll make a bunch of friends. They’ll line up to be my friend. They should kiss the ground I walk on! 

Wish me luck 🙂 

xoxo, Steffie’